ENTRY 2 (27 JANUARY 2016)

I've been saved. By God, my family and friends.

But I don't think it's enough.

         Enough to spare me from these moments of insanity.

I still crave for more.

I'm begging to whomever you are.

Rescue me from all of these things.

        Because I can't run anymore. I repeatedly tried. But I keep on stumbling... and faltering... I can't take it no more.

And now, I find no reason to keep on fighting.

Because whenever I do, still nothing happens.

Yes, I am willing to wait.

       But wait till what? Till I don't have enough strength to keep up with everything anymore? Or till I just completely lose everything?

How I wish I was just some document that you can save anytime and delete whenever you wanted to.

But I am not.

I am human.

I am real. Real as I can be.

I am patient.

      But everything just doesn't work for me. Things are using all of the patience that is still left within me.

And I am not asking for anything except grace and mercy.

      Or should I just say, MIRACLE?

ENTRY 1 (19 JANUARY 2016)

Lord, I am sad, real sad. I feel so disappointed with myself. As well as the people around me. And I blame myself for every single thing that’s happening now. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. This life isn’t what I hoped for. Everything I am right now, it is not me. This girl right now is just some fucked up teenager who’s life leads to nowhere.

And I am afraid of everything. So afraid that sometimes I’m even thinking of ending my life. I live with the expectations of everyone and I’m scared that one day, I might just burst from all the pressure that’s been given to me.

I am not proud of myself anymore. I really am before. But right now, I just think of myself as a garbage that should be dumped. 

I fear that everything I have worked for will soon be forgotten with just a simple mistake. 

I feel insecure and it’s like all the odds are against me. 

I pity myself. 

I envy every single person who can still laugh with their problems.

More importantly, I feel betrayed. Betrayed by the ones who are special to me, even God. There are times where I forget His name and disobey His words because things isn’t just working the way I wanted it. I even blame Him.

Lord, where are you no that I need you? I’m sorry if I went away your way but I am ready to accept you again now. I hope that everything will work in accordance with your will and that every bad thing that I feel inside me will soon be gone.

I wish that every single negativity within me will be washed away.

And I wish that this life will soon end the way I needed it to be.